How to cope with divorce after a long marriage

After a long marriage, separation can feel like losing a whole way of life: shared routines, friends, a home, a picture of the future you had both been working towards. It is normal to feel grief, relief, anger and fear, sometimes in the same hour.

This article is not legal, financial or therapeutic advice. It is a calm place to start.

Expect it to feel like grief

Even when ending the marriage is the right decision, you are letting go of years of shared history. Give yourself permission to grieve that, without needing to decide yet how you feel about your former partner.

Keep the days small

• Choose one practical task per day, and stop when it is done.
• Keep a simple routine: meals, a walk, a regular bedtime.
• Write worries down rather than carrying them in your head.
• Tell one or two trusted people what is happening.

Learn who you are on your own

Many people in long marriages shared out the jobs years ago: one person handled the money, the other the household or the family calendar. It is fine to find some tasks unfamiliar. Learning them one at a time is a quiet way of rebuilding confidence.

Get the money picture clear early

After a long marriage, pensions are often among the largest shared assets, alongside the family home. Start a simple list of accounts, pensions, property and debts. You do not need exact figures yet. The free government service MoneyHelper has guidance on money and pensions during divorce.

Know how divorce works now

Since April 2022, divorce in England and Wales has been "no-fault": nobody has to be blamed, and you can apply alone or jointly. There is a minimum wait of 20 weeks before the next stage. Agreeing about money is a separate step from the divorce itself, so it is worth getting legal advice before the divorce is finalised.

Adult children and shared friends

Grown-up children may have strong feelings too. You can be honest without sharing every detail or asking them to take sides. Some friendships may change. New ones can grow, including with people who have been through the same thing.

When to reach for more support

If low mood lasts for weeks, or you are struggling to sleep, eat or cope, speak to your GP. Relate offers relationship counselling, and Samaritans are available on 116 123, free, at any hour. If you feel unsafe at home, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247. In an emergency, call 999.