How to answer a message that has knocked you sideways

A message arrives and your whole body reacts. Heart faster, thoughts louder. In that state, almost anything you type will be something you reread later and wish you had not sent.

Step one: put the phone down

Not forever. Twenty minutes. Almost no message in a separation genuinely needs a reply within twenty minutes, and the ones that do are usually about a child's safety, which is a phone call, not a text.

Step two: separate the three parts

Most difficult messages are mostly feeling and very little question. Once you split them, the reply gets much shorter.

• The facts — what was actually said or asked.
• The feeling — what it did to you.
• The question — what, if anything, needs answering.

Step three: answer only the question

Short, factual, no adjectives. "Yes, Thursday at six works." You are not obliged to respond to the tone, only to the practical part.

Step four: keep a copy

Save the message and your reply somewhere you can find later. Not to build a case — simply so that in three months you are not scrolling for an hour trying to remember what was agreed.